Gas Pump Super Fail

Last week I stopped at the gas station to get some gas on my way to work.  In an effort to stay true to myself, I waited until my gas light was fully on, and until it was approximately 3 degrees out. 

I stepped out of the car, right on to a huge ( yet weirdly sticky) ice patch.  I stood there getting frostbitten fingers while pumping in 20 bucks worth.  I know, Dad, I know- you're supposed to fill 'er up, especially in the freezing weather.  But you know what?  AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT! 

So anyway, I climbed back in my car and was overwhelmed, like seriously about to pass out, with the smell of gas.  Oh awesome!  That "ice patch" I stepped in (twice now), wasn't actually frozen water- it was semi-frozen gasoline!

I drove to work with the window slightly open, wondering if I could possibly get high from the fumes, and thinking that if that was the case, maybe I should close the window and have a slightly more enjoyable day. 

5 minutes later I was standing in the shared teaching space making copies.  Two people were in there at their desks and one other teacher walked in. 

"Something smells weird in here". 

"Yeah, it smells like gas.  Like, super strong." 

Me:  "Really?  I don't smell anything."

"Are you serious?  It's SO strong." 

"Did someone get gas this morning before work? It's REALLY bad."

Me: "I don't know.  I didn't." 

"That is so weird.  It smells the strongest,  like, right over here" (standing about 2 feet away from me). 

Everyone walked out and started their days.  I walked over to my boss' desk (who I can't stand) and wiped my feet really hard right by her chair. 

Then I walked back in to my room, wiped my feet off with wet paper towels and bathed in this perfumed lotion that one of my girls left on my desk the day before.  I cracked my window for good measure, and told the next class that "they've got the heat up way too high.  It was defintely feeling hot in here.  We're leaving it open for a little while". 

Just thought you'd like to know that. 

I'm a moron. 

Have a healthy day,

J

Finish the Sentence Part II

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Everyone in my house is on the verge of getting sick, and I really thought I had dodged it.  Of course not.  I am feeling like complete trash right now, so this is gonna be short and sweet.  I really just want to be in my bed watching PLL on Netflix.  But these two bloggers are my very faves.  No joke.  So I had to jump in on the action.  (Plus I really wanna win, I'm not even gonna lie). 

 

1. If calories didn't count, I would eat... All of Paula Deen's greatest hits.  And I'm talkin' about

pre-diabeetus Paula.  With a side of chips and cake with extra frosting for dessert. 

2. On my Prom night.... I wore a dress that I got on sale from Express for $50 and was escorted by a blind date.  I went to an all-girls school, and didn't know any boys.  He ended up being super cute.  But we didn't date or anything afterwards.  I think he had a girlfriend or something dumb.  That, and I was a huge nerd. 

 

3. When I go to the store, I always buy... greek yogurt, frozen chicken nuggets that I doubt are real chicken, boxed mac and cheese that costs 39 cents, and a pack of everything bagels.  That is ALL my kids eat.  I'm not kidding. 

4. Family functions typically... are long and loud.  Most of the grown-ups refuse to admit that all of the kids are now grown-ups.  I'm pretty sure that we'd still have to sit at the kids' table if we still fit in the chairs.  And if you're at a family function, there is a 100% chance you're getting talked about when it's over. 

5. I think my blog readers... are non-existant.  Does anyone read this freaking thing?  I'm not quite sure, but I'm pretty fun and funny, so people SHOULD. 

6. I'd much rather be..... online shopping for whatever the freak I want whenever the freak I want instead of second guessing the random $2 nail polish that finds its way in to my shopping cart as a "splurge".  I could really use an entire new spring wardrobe right now.  And about 12 extra paychecks. 

7. I have an obsession with.... Pinterest, reality TV, sweat pants, and not doing my hair.  Yeah, I said it.  I don't do my hair.  Ever.  And???

8. My work friends.... used to be my very best friends.  We hung out during every single free moment  we had, went out for happy hour at 3:00 and ended up closing the bars, and knew very inappropriate things about each other.  And then one by one, we all started getting new jobs.  And now we never speak.  And I have zero friends at my current job and it's horrible.  Womp Womp. 

9. When I created my Facebook account.... I agreed to have a "joint account" with my husband in an effort to keep any and all skeletons IN the closet.  (Not that either of us have any, but just in case).  He NEVER goes on there, and it's fully just my account.  I especially love it when people who were total whore bags in college feel the need to post quotes from the Bible every 5 minutes.  It's SO authentic. 

10. My least favorite word is... so gross that I can't even type it.  I'll give you a couple of clues:  It's a woman's body part, and it starts with a C.  The acronym(?) has nothing to do with Tuesday.  And when one of my girls at school gets mad, she tells people to lick hers.  Ew.  Just thinking aboutt it makes me want to vom. 

11. I really don't remember.... names or where I know people from, but I do remember if I've seen someone somewhere.  I rely on my 5-year-old who I swear has a photographic memory to remind me who everyone is and where we've seen them before.  I'm all like, "oh hiiiii, how are youuuu?" with the hopes that their answer will somehow trigger my brain. 

12. Justin Bieber.... officially gave me Bieber fever when I watched Never Say Never.  He's coming here this summer and I can't find any little girls to take me.  Even my 10-year-old niece was all, "no one even likes Justin Bieber anymore.  We like One Direction".  Um ok.  Then who the eff bought all of the floor seats for $4000 EACH?!?!?!?

 

And that's it on my end. 

 

Have a healthy day,

 

J

Liebster Nod

So, this is kinda fun-  I got a shout out on  Ang's blog the other day, and got nominated for one of these cute little Liebster awards. It pretty much reminds me of those chain letters that used to fly around my college email account.  You know- one of those "divulge every useless fact about yourself and then pass this on to 50 thousand people" things? Yep, I used to indulge in every single one.  So naturally, I'll indulge once again.  Thanks for the love, Ang!

HERE ARE THE RULES FOR RECEIVING THIS AWARD:

• Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
• Answer the questions that the tagger set for you plus create 11 questions for the people you’ve tagged to answer.
• Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
• Go to their page and tell them.
• No tag backs!

11 Things About Me

1. I watch Pretty Little Liars on Netflix every single night in my bed before I go to bed. This is a newfound addiction interest.  I can't believe I just admitted that.
 
2. I abhore the snow.  And yet I've lived in upstate NY for my entire life.  The sun hasn't shone since October.  This sucks.
 
3. I would move to somewhere warmer but I would miss my parents too much. 
 
4. The college roommate who was randomly assigned to me Freshman year is still my best friend. 
 
5. My husband is a cradle robber.  I am a  (svelt) 8 and a half years younger than him. 
 
6. My children have an obsession with the word penis.  It's bad.  One of them actually thanked me the other day for teaching it to him. 
 
7. I have a very weird condition called Vasovagal syncope.  Basically, I can't get too hot, too stressed, or too caffeinated, or I will pass out.  My sister was talking about drinking a NoExplode before her 5-mile run the other day. If that scenario became my reality, I'd be in a coffin. 
 
8.  I like to think I'm really good at Zumba, even though I probably look ridiculous.  If my husband loves me, he'll buy me some legit pants with tassels off of their website. And I'll wear them shamelessly.
 
9.  My two favorite foods are cake and chips. 
 
10. I have never dyed my hair. I never even used Sun-In in middle school.
 
11.  I hate long car trips.  Put me on a plane any day.  Sitting in a car for an extended period of time is THE WORST. 

Questions From Ang:

1. What, if anything, are you afraid of? Besides snakes, horses and pit bulls,  I'm also afraid of getting attacked by someone who is hiding under my car. 

2. Favorite type of food? Italian, Mexican, Chinese, something else? I love everything, but I tend to lean toward Italian if I have the choice.  I'm a total carbaholic and I live in a city that is very heavily populated with Italians.  There are some bomb-ass locally owned Italian restaurants around here. 

1. Why did you start blogging? Because my kids are the funniest people on the planet, and I want to have their hilariousness documented forever.
2. If you could go anywhere on vacation right now where would it be? Hawaii.  80 and sunny with clear blue water?  Yes please. 
3. Are you an early bird or a night owl? Early bird.  I'd much rather get up and get my day started than stay up late. 
4. Do you workout? If so what's your favorite type of exercise? Yes, but not nearly enough! I LOVE going to all types of group exercise classes.  Except cycling.  I've never gotten in to that. 
5. Favorite pizza topping? Any vegetable.  Hold the meat please. 
6. What is your current favorite song being played on the radio now? Is it too embarrassing to say Britney and Will.I.Am's new booty shaking awesomeness? Yes? Ok, fine- I guess Mumford and Sons' "I Will Wait For You" wins then. 
7. What is the last book you read? Fifty Shades of Grey.  Just  kidding.  It was actually the Nicholas Sparks one whose movie just came out.  I can't remember the title right at this second, but it was pretty good.  I love me some chick lit.
8. Favorite sports team? Um, I guess the NY Yankees.  You know, since my husband plays for the team and all...Don't believe me?  Check out my son...



Told you!!

  If you didn't live where you live right now, where would you live? Without a doubt, somewhere warmer. Probably somewhere down south. But not the deep south. Maybe like Virginia or something. 

And now, since just about every single person on every single blog I read has been doing this already, I'm going to only nominate a couple more people to keep this thing going:

 

* Jake at The Life Of Jake

* Heather at Run Eat Play

* Lora at Raising Steppe Sisters

 

My questions for them:

1. What superpower would you like to have?

2. Favorite season?

3. Chocolate or Vanilla?

4. Favorite adult beverage?

5. What is one thing you wish you were really good at?

6. What is one thing you wish you had the courage to try?

7. Do you sing in the shower?

8. Do you believe in God?

9. Which reality show is your favorite?

10. What is something you do every single day?

11.   What is one cliche that you believe? 

 

 

And there you have it. 

 

Have a healthy day,

 

J



No Title Tuesday

I was thinking about writing a St. Patty's Day race recap like every other person in the blog world, but then I remembered that I didn't run a race this weekend because I DON'T RUN. So instead, I'll show you pictures of the most amazing martini I drank on Friday night:



The gummy bear martini.  It tasted exactly like a...wait for it... gummy bear!  And it had real-life gummy bears at the bottom.  I'm not really allowed to drink these days because of this medicine I'm on, so I unfortunately had to stop after one of these bad boys.  Otherwise, I probably would have drank about 13. 


So  I just need to throw this in real quick:  as I'm sitting here typing, I am watching this stupid new show called Splash.  Joey from Blossom is hosting.  It's a diving competition among Z-list celebrities. Rudy Huxtable, Kendra Wilkinson and some super fat comedian whose name I can't remember.  OhmyGoddd, I'm literally becoming dumber by the second.  Are you watching it? 


Anyway, back to the important stuff.   We were going to go downtown to meet our drunken friends on Saturday at the parade.  My sister was even carrying a banner for one of the local Irish bars.  But then it was all snowing and shtuff, so we bailed on that. Ain't nobody got time for dat!! 

So instead I waited til Sunday to don my green.  The boys and I met up with the rest of my fam for some Irish food and music.  I like to call the place a restaurant, but I'm also kinda lying.  It was a bar, ok?  I totally took my kids to a bar.  (Oh my God.  She has a BABY.  IN BAR....) <---remember that quote?  I don't even eat real Irish food, but don't you worry.  I put away some corned beef like nobody's business. 

 

 

Pay no mind to the sickly shade of pale that is my skin these days.  That's apparently what happens when the sun doesn't shine for 5 months straight.  Effin' miserable.  Nor should you pay attention to that double chin that I'm rockin.  That has no correlation to the horrible weather.  That's just natural talent right there. 

 

Have a healthy day,

 

J

Early Morning Booty Kicking

Do you ever have one of those days when all you feel like doing is reading blogs and watching reality TV?  That's me every day today.  I am just not feeling work at all.  Is it freaking June yet? 

I went to the gym this morning. 


See?  Those are my feet and that is the locker room floor. I WAS THERE.

 

 

I took Cardio Training Camp and it was early and hard.  We had to do the entire class using a medicine ball and this rubber band thing that went around our ankles.  Side shuffles, jumping jacks, lunges, power squats.  It was cray, I tell ya.  But I have fat outer thighs, so I probably needed to do this workout for about 5 more hours.  I will 100% be in pain by the time I go to bed tonight.  I smelled so bad by the time it was over. 

Speaking of working out, I am finally going to training tonight to get certified to teach at my new gym.  My original certification was only valid at my old gym so I haven't taught in a couple of months.  I can't wait to get back in the game.  So even though sitting through training for 4 hours both tonight and tomorrow night after working all day will damn near kill me, it will totally be worth it in the long run. 


The Boy had an exhibition night at his school last night.  His class has been studying all about cities, and last night he got to show us how smart he is.  Take a look at how proud this guy was in his classroom:



I love this little man. 


 

And here is his contribution to the block city that his class built:



Wegmans.  Obviously the most important building in the city.


 

And one more, this time of the other guy, just cuz I wouldn't want him to feel left out.  He's pretty stinkin cute too, right? 

 

He took a swimming lesson the other day and basically hated the entire thing.  Tears, yelling, grabbing the teacher's neck- it all happened.  He told me afterwards that he wants to go again. 

 

That's about it on my end.  Happy hump day! 

 

Have a healthy day,

 

J

 

PS- I used a word in my last post that I hate.  And then I realized after I published it that anyone who reads this might not get that it wasn't MY word.  It was one of Kanye's stupid song lyrics.  All of you got that, right? 

 

PPS- My daily reader stats and my number of followers are not matching up  (Thankfully).  Can y'all do me a favor and "FOLLOW ME"?  Please.  Boost my ego. 

 

Fun Little Linkup

www.thestanfieldclan.com
 

It's time for a link up!  And yes, I'm late jumping on board, and yes, that is the story of my life. Sorry I'm not sorry. And with that, I will finish some sentences:

1. People always tell me that I talk like a valley girl and that I'm built like a black girl. I'm assuming that they are referring to my bedonk-a-donk.  Keep in mind that I spend the majority of my days with inappropriate teenagers.  I, like, totally think both of those are compliments. *Hair flip* 

 

2. In the movie based on my life, Taye Diggs is my husband.  (And I get to play me, obviously.)

 

3. Typically, I end up regretting nights of drinking.  But sometimes I just can't help myself. 

 

4. I always ask to leave off the olives.  Gross.

 

5. Kim and Kanye really need to ask themselves why they are together.  I mean, won't Kanye do anything for a blonde dyke? Last I checked, Kim is neither.  But I guess what don't kill him will make him stronger. But they will probably have a very beautiful baby.  And yes, I realize I'm a huge nerd. 

 

6. My Parents always reminded me that one time when I was little, I buried a hamburger in a house plant. I went back a week later, undug it and ate it. 

 

7. Every single day, I say the F word.  Sometimes out loud, sometimes under my breath, and sometimes in my head.  It starts in the morning when the alarm goes off, "Eff.  I don't want to go to work".  And again later at lunch, "I really should eat healthier.  Aw, Eff it". 

 

8. This one time in College I drank Pepto before a night of drinking so that I could drink more without puking.  It may have happened more than just one time. 

9. My grossest habit is leaving dirty dishes in the sink over night.  I know that clean freaks everywhere are cringing right now.  I'm sorry, but your tendencies to pick pimples truly made me throw up in my mouth. 

 

10. My latest white lie was telling a pain in the A$$ student of mine that I was happy to see her after an absence and that I miss her when she 's gone.  Not true on either front. 

11. I know all the words to almost every single Dave Matthews song from the late 90s, most of the words to Baby Got Back, and about 80% of the words to The Brady Bunch movie.  I'm not even ashamed to admit that my sister and I used to watch that movie on VHS every single night before we went to bed when we shared a room in high school.  I told you I was a nerd. 

12. When I grow up I want to be a clean freak organized MILF who has her S*&T together.  Or a party planner.

13. Sexy time is finishing a slow 2-mile jiggle jog without a peeping turtle. (TMI???)

14. I will never, ever give birth to a baby girl.  And part of me is very sad about that.  But the other part is ecstatic that I will forever get to be the queen of my castle. 

15. I think it's hilarious that I left my wallet at work last night, didn't remember until the boys were already in the car for their haircuts, and then discovered that the building is locked, leaving me access to zero dollars on a day when I have a thousand errands to run.  Oh wait, no.  That actually isn't hilarious at all.  But Cakewrecks.com is.  People are morons  funny and I love laughing at with them. Oh, and little kids who make inappropriate comments are ususally pretty hilarious too. Except for when it's my kids.  Then it's just mortifying, until I get home and they are in bed. 

 

Happy weekend! 

 

Have a healthy day,

 

J

Eye Appointments and Painted Nails

The other day, my little buddy had to go to the eye doctor. Was it mean to take his picture at the appointment? Look at this guy. I mean, seriously. When he went for his 4 year checkup a couple weeks ago, he didn't ace the eye exam so they had me take him to get checked out. Can you imagine him wearing mini glasses? Besides the fact that Homeboy would probably ninja chop those things to death within a week, I still think he would look pretty freaking cute.

But it turns out he doesn't need glasses after all. Thankfully, we get to put that bill off for a while longer.


But we still got to hang out and do stuff like this while we were waiting for the drops to dilate his eyes, so the day was totally worth it.





Anyway, do you like my nails? Wait, no??  Ok fine , neither do I. But can you believe I got them done for FREE? See, my job DOES have perks. These beauties were done by someone who swears she is going to make a career of this. As much as they make me crazy, I love these freaking kids. And you better believe I will let them continue to make my nails look like they were painted by a drag queen on acid because some day they will be feeding me applesauce at the nursing home.